Lots of people regret losing their virginity. Some people do it just to follow the herd (or the flock in some of cases (baa baa!) and then they lose it on a wind swept night in field or in the back of their dad's 1973 LADA supreme (What a way to get rid of a car) Faced with the problem of people who want what was their's back Namely their virginity! I have spent 127 years perfecting the perfect Virginity regainment program and I am about to share with you the secrets of a perfect virginity.
First of all let me state this is not a Crash program. This is not a Fad. My Five day "How to regain your virginity" program is scientifically proven (I spent six long weeks having sex with all the best known female science teachers in Birmingham and they proved me right). But I must warn you-It's tough. You must make a commitment to the program. Read it through again and again. Learn it off by heart, step by step. Memorize it until you forget who you are and what you do for a living. Never say "I can`t" you can. I will show you how.
Day Two is Behaviour Modification Day. By the end of today. You may not have become a virgin, but you will behave like one and after all virginity is 25 percent behaviour (the breakdown of virginity: 25% Behaviour, 40% physical appearance, 25% Mental status and 10 Percent legal status). Behaviour modification is based on the theories of the Russian physiologist Ivan Petrovich Pavlov, who taught his dog to ting a bell when he (the dog) was hungry. The process is a simple one of learning by doing and is based on Reward and Punishment.
Each time you slip into one of these, apply 2000 Volts of current to a important part of your reproductive system.
1) Speaking Loudly.
2) Establishing eye contact with a member of the opposite sex.
3) Writing your phone number in a public place.
4) Singing "I`m too sexy" in the shower.
5) Eating Chewing Gum.
6) Inviting someone around for a Bailey`s Irish cream.
7) Driving with your foot on the floor and your hand on the horn.
8) Going out clubbing.
9) Asking the person sleeping next to you to turn off the alarm in the morning.
Each time you do one of these give yourself a little pat on the back and reward yourself with a dog biscuit.
1) Speaking so softly that no one has a idea of what you are saying
2) Looking down bashfully when a member of the opposite sex walks by
3) Writing a poem about the coming of spring
4) Humming "All things bright and beautiful" as you bathe
5) Chewing your food a hundred times before you swallow
6) Never having heard of Bailey`s
7) Wearing your seatbelt just to move your car in the driveway
8) Staying home to listen to Grieg on radio Four
9) Jumping right out of bed when the alarm rings and splashing your face with cold water
Eat Grapes all day. This usually does not work, but it is worth a try.
Prepare for mental Virgination. Derived from a ancient Hindu formula that was lost for centuries and was only rediscovered when I was searching my sock drawer for a clean shirt. This treatment promises to leave you as innocent as a lamb (BAA BAA Commez zie her Flossy).
7 AM: To rid your mind of all the unclean thoughts that might have built up in your head overnight, Vacuum out your head wuth a good, sturdy rug attachment.
MID-MORNING: A time when many are tempted to go off their clean thought regimen, don`t let this happen to you! Hang by your feet. Shaking your head vigorously for half a hour to shake out the mental germs.
3 PM: Drive to a Airport, where there are wonderful machines that detect, As if by X-ray, any dirty thoughts that might be lurking inside your mind. If your mind is not empty ask the guard if you can borrow his bludgeon and give your head a good whack.
8 PM: Time for bed! But tonight you will be wearing your new "Thought pasteurizing earmuffs" (TM), which destroy disease-producing bacteria in your mind by heating up your ears to 145 Degrees Fahrenheit. Clean Dreams!
Now you have learned the ways of a Virgin and your thoughts are clean, it is time for you to move forward and become acquainted with the Virgin Creed.
Recite the creed slowly, thinking about what you are saying.
A Virgin Believes in being friendly but not too friendly.
A Virgin believes in being clean in thought, Word and especially deed.
A Virgin believes in letting their conscience be their guide and never seeking help from consenting adults.
A Virgin Believes that a good time the night before will bring a mourning after.
A virgin believes that a reproductive organ is not as good as the original.
A Virgin believes in Docu-dramas but not in Fantasies.
A Virgin Believes in marriage as long as they and their partner are "Just Friends"
A Virgin Believes that they are a kite sailing on a cloudless day in may.